This sucks..........

Yesterday I went for my annual pap smear and I had the pleasure of sitting near 2 different women with their babies.  Even though I've decieded to stop ttc-ing, I couldn't help but get a little sad.  Probably didn't help that there's pictures of ob/gyn and the proud parents with their newborn, everywhere throughout the office.  I thought this feeling would just magically go away, but I think my heart and mind are doing two different things.  Also doesn't help that I'm one of those women that EVERY month I know when I'm ovulating.  I get the pain in whichever ovary is releasing it's egg, aloing with the egg white discharge, and dare I say a little bit hornier during this time!  UUUGGGGHHH why won't this go away?!! Unexplained Infertility SUCKS......

I can't......

Well after yet another failed Clomid/IUI cycle, I'm finally at my breaking point.  We did our 2nd clomid/iui cycle starting in late August(you know for all the testing) and getting the negative pregnancy test phone call on Sept. 21.  I couldn't even cry when my nurse called to tell me.....I guess that's how beyond over this I am.  It doesn't help that I feel like we've wasted yet more money, time, and energy.  My doc wanted me to get a testerone and glucose test done.  My nurse called to let me know that everything was fine and normal, but yet again NO PREGNANCY!!!! I've decided to take a TOTAL break!! I'm going to focus on myself, be a better person, work out more, eat healthier, and try my hardest not to think about TTC.  I'm going back to school next semester and have decided to start a new business.  My new business has to do with TTC and I can't wait to get everything started so I can share it with you! I know. how can I stay away from TTC, but yet start a business about it?  I feel like I can be a voice and why waste it?!! If I can help just one person, not feel alone, feel like there is still hope, my dream has come true!! Look out for me.........GOD BLESS

NOT PREGNANT

On July 20 I got the worst phone call ever.  After doing our first IUI 2 weeks prior, having good progesterone levels a week prior, we got the phone call from RE office saying blood test was NEGATIVE.  WHAAATTTT how could this happen?!!! I serouisly had to hold on to the bed to keep from falling because I just couldn't understand.  Here's the thing with unexplained infertility...Everthing is normal, so you think(well at least I do) you do this "extra" push every test during the process is normal and timing seems correct, but yet still no pregnancy!!!!!!!!!! SIGH well we're still praying....we still TTC, and we refuse to give up!! I know it's in God's pland for us to conceive.

IUI and 2WW

Friday morning was IUI time!! I was excited, nervous, happy, sad, impatient, and so many other things going in. DH went in 2 hours before I did for his semen sample.  It had to be "washed" so that's why he went in a couple of hours before me.  When they wash the sperm they just take the best out of the sample given, to insure sperm has a greater chance of fertilizing the egg. Post wash DH had sperm count of 11 million!! RE informed me that was good and anything over 5 million is acceptable.  RE was excited to see egg white cervical mucus, which is a sign of ovulation coming, since Clomid is known for drying it up.  You just basically lay down as if you're getting a pap smear. The most annoying part was getting the speculum in and having it stay there for minutes.  The catheter hurt a little since it does have to go through cervix into uterus.  The coolest part and kinda weird was watching it through the ultrasound.  Actually got to see DH sperm being injected....during that time I don't think I've ever prayed so hard in my life!  For the most part it was easy, didn't take long and painless.  I was allowed to lay on table for 5-7mins after.  I was told I might has slight cramping and a little spotting, but neither should last more than a day or two.  I had both.  Cramping only lasted for a few hours, while my spotting continued into the next afternoon getting lighter until it stopped then.  I relaxed well and just tried to not think about it since.  I did go to work on Sunday night, so I had a couple of days of just cooling it lol.  I go in 7 days after IUI(which is Friday July 13) for yet more bloodwork.  This is to check my progesterone levels, to see if I ovulated, and to make sure I don't need a supplement.  You need a good level  of progesterone to sustain a pregnancy.  Good thing is my teenage nephews are visiting for a few weeks, so they'll keep me occupied and off of goggle lol.  Technology is the best and worse thing invented. I keep telling myself not to look up everything....instead I pray and keep my faith.  In my mind this worked and I'm just 9 months away from holding my mini DH lol.  A girl can dream right?!  Blessings to you all!

update

So I've been a little busy and haven't been updating here as I should, but here's the latest:

CD 13 which was July 3, I went in for a ultrasound and more bloodwork.  The tested LH surge, estidrol, and something else with bloodwork.  Everything came back normal!! For ultrasound they checked to make sure I responded to Clomid and did not have any cyst.  I had 3 follicles (YYYAAAAYYY) 1-20mm and 2-18mm on my right side and none on the left.  I was told to use OPK since they thought I would ovulate in next few days and to call when I got a positive and IUI would be the day after.  They also told me if I didn't get a positive OPK by Thursday to refill Rx they gave me for HcG shot.  Well Thursday morning came and no +OPK (BOOO) I went to CVS to have Rx filled.  It was $161!! Not only does infertility hurt emotionally, if insurance doesn't cover things it hurts your pockets as well. I went straight from CVS to RE and my nurse gave me the shot and IUI was schedule for Friday morning.  Now I'm not afraid of needles, but the aftermath was a very cruel joke lol.  The side effect was itching and soreness at the shot site.  Well it itched like crazy and every time I went to scratch, that's when I noticed the soreness(OUCH). Oh well, all for a good purpose.  I also had ovulation pain and alot of egg white cervical mucus(a good thing, I'll get to that later). Next up IUI!!!

Clomid

Yesterday was CD9 for me and my last dose of Clomid.  I took it Cd5-9 at approx. 6pm every night.  Nurse told me to try to keep taking it the same time everyday, which I did a really good job of keeping that up.  I took it in the evening hoping that if I did have any side effects I would sleep through them.  Well let's get to those side effects lol. It acutally wasn't too bad, CD 2, 3, and 5 I had light cramping, nothing serious, not even bad like period cramps.  CD 4 and 5 I had a few hot flashes during my sleep, but once again nothing that had me concerned or nervous.  CD 4 and 5 I also didn't sleep well, but not sure if that was the Clomid or just me.  I've heard of people having some side effects after the last dose, but so far nothing for me! I'm also just on CD10, so maybe that's why.  On Tuesday, which is CD 13, I go in for ultrasound and I  think bloodwork again. I will update after Tuesday's appointment:


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Day 3 testing

So on Friday morning I went in for my ultrasound and bloodwork.  The ultrasound went fine and I was able to meet one of the other Doctors at ACRM.  I had no cyst and everything looked normal!  Prior to going in, I had my blood taken, and was told I would get the results later in the day.  My mother is a nurse, so needles are NOT an issue for me.  My nurse was out, so the nurse that took my blood was so relieved that I was easy going on that part lol.  Even though I didn't have blood work results, I still walked out with Rx for clomid 50mg, but was told to wait until I received call for the instructions.  At about 1pm, the nurse called to inform me the my estrogen level was 29(from my understanding the lower the better) and I will start Clomid CD5-9.  There are 2 pills that must be taken at the same time.  She also informed me to try to take the pills at the same time everyday.  I asked if my over the counter allergy meds would be still ok to take.  She informed that it's fine(hey I just wanted to make sure!) and asked if I had any other questions.  I've decided that I will take my allergy and prenatal meds in the morning, my baby aspirin mid-day, and my clomid at about 6pm.  This way when I go to bed, if I do have any side effects, I will hopefully sleep through them(Well that's what I hope anyway). I will update either midway through clomid cycle or after I finish the cycle.....THIS IS MY MONTH!!!! I'm no longer worrying or having fear, I have faith and have left it in God's hands!

Here We Go!!

Today is CD1 and also day one of our journey to IUI and a healthy baby! I have my ultrasound appointment for tomorrow morning and have also set up my mid-cycle appointment.  Tomorrow I will have to do this appointment alone(even though I've had this test done before) since DH will be working and unable to get off.  I'm still kinda like OOOHHH HERE WE GO, but still praying and keeping happy thoughts.  The appointment tomorrow is just to have ultrasound to make sure I'm ok to start Clomid.  I will most likely get Rx tomorrow with instructions for the use of Clomid.  I have to say even though I'm still a little sad to see my AF this month, I'm still quite excited and nervous about the start of this much needed, anticapted and interesting journey we are now on.  It's been years in the making and we're finally at the "almost there" mark.  I will updated after appointment tomorrow!

Everything happens for a reason

Well a couple of months back I got really upset because we had to put off our IUI due to my DH horrible SA results. Well I forgot to post the new results, but everything was fine: 60 million little swimmers, shapes were normal, blodwork normal(can't remember everything)!! We were so happy and breathed a sigh of releif,but still no pregnancy! Well we've been going through the process of buying a home and I have to say this is so stressful. I just thought the other day if we had done the IUI when scheduled I would be putting this stress on myself and our baby! I guess my DH "not feeling" the testing that day was a blessing in disguise. We've been either out bid or sellers didn't want to agree to anything we wanted, plus going from home to home was just way too much. I'm glad to say we should be closing in about 3 weeks and we've decided to go on with IUI next month! By the time that rolls around, we will be closed and settle in to our new home, so NO stress just prayers and baby dust!!! So I know sometimes we try so hard to stay in control and plan out everything in our lives, but guess what "ish happens" and sometimes we need the ish to make the grass green :-)

Ever Wonder

It has come to the point that every time AF shows up i become extremely depressed. I just want to lock myself up in my room away from everyone and just scream and cry. I know this is not right or normal, but yet I can't help it. I start to wonder: what if I don't ovulate that month? what if the meds don't work? what if they find something during testing before I even get meds? What if I run out of eggs? what if we run out of money? what if we never can adopt? what if I never hear someone call me mommy? Sorry I this my be a little extreme, but anyone suffering from infertility knows you just need to vent sometimes. unless you gage a friend going through it with you, it can be very difficult.You don't want to burden people you know that are not going through IF, but yet you don't want to expose your greatest fears to strangers.

Devastated

I'm not really sure how to start this blog, other than once again, I've been in a crying fit. 1st: although I love them dearly and I knew they were trying for baby #2, I've learned that my sibling-in-laws are expecting. I'm happy because like I said I really do love them, but I can't help but have that feeling of "why not me?!". Not to mention we have yet to receive the results of the third SA and DH bloodwork. I may just have a breakdown if the results are not great. Not sure how much more I can take........... I've prayed, prayed, and prayed, not sure what else to

The Results

Well we received the results from DH's SA on Tuesday and I've been a crying fit since. If you read the previous post, you know my hubby said he would most likely have to re-do the SA. Well he was right because he received only 7.9 mobility(20million is normal). Plus doc wants to do some blood/hormone testing on him. I don't know why I'm so upset, I already had an idea that the results weren't going to be great, but I just KNEW this was our month to start IUI procedures. Since doc is requesting more testing we decided it was best to put off the IUI, JUST IN CASE, there really is a problem. I'm just so down, but the hubby reassured that all is fine it was just his discomfort. Not sure why it happened this way, but since I have been praying everyday about this, it must all be in God's plan. I will not question him, but will continue to put it in his hands. As they say "if you want to make God laugh, just tell Him YOUR plans" LOL.......So after we re-do DH testing(we are going to do SA collection at home for more comfort)I will return with those results. There is a part of me that wants everything to be fine like previous SA, but a part that thinks well if there is something wrong at least we know what it is and how to correct it. I swear this unexplained infertility is CRAZY. You're glad there's nothing wrong with you, but then mad that there's nothing wrong with you and you can't get pregnant!!!!

SA

So on Wednesday, the hubby went in for his second SA(semen analysis). He went in for a second time because our doc requested that he have it re-done since he had it done awhile ago. Let me explain: After about a year and half of ttc, my ob/gyn requested that I do an OPK(ovulation predicator kit) for 3 months to make sure I was indeed ovulating. I was EVERY month, so then we moved on to HSG(hysterosalpingogram), which showed that my tubes are open. Then she requested that the hubby have a SA done, which everything was fine with that also(can't remember the exact numbers)!! UUUUGGGGHHH so we continue to ttc on our own, since we have everything working properly, but still no baby!! WHY??!!!! So that brings us to our first appointment with fertility specialist in July 2011 to start with more testing. Anywho since we're really going in for IUI, if Aunt Flow doesn't show up, Doc wants a new SA. After hubby comes out he informes me that he thinks the results won't be that great since alot didn't come out :-(. He said it's very difficult to do that while you can hear people out in the hall working. So we're waiting the 4-5 days for the results and God willing everything will be okay just like last time. I don't see why I wouldn't, unless he really didn't produce enough. Will update when we receive results....keeping my fingers crossed!

SIGH

Hello guys! So I asked my doc what she thought about just starting out with clomid and I kinda got some so-so news. She stated she didn't recommend it since the success rate with just clomid is not substantially higher, but if I wanted we could do 2 cycles then move on to IUI(if those 2 cylces don't work). I wanted to start out with clomid because well let's be honest....IT"S CHEAPER(so we thought)!! But I have to come in for all the ultrasounds and bloodwork(that are not covered by insurance) that we might as well just go straight in for IUI. Plus with our ages and being "unexplained infertility" our chances of getting pregnant with clomid and IUI, looks pretty good. So looks like if God doesn't bless us this cycle(I'm in day 11) with a beautiful baby, He will next month when we go in for IUI!! I KNOW HE WILL BLESS US BEFORE THE YEAR IS OVER!!

Do you tell?

Have you told anyone about your struggle with getting pregnant? Do your parents know? What about siblings, friends, or co workers? I finally told my mother the other day that we are currently seeing a reproductive specialist and going in for treatment next month. She was excited and had alot of questions at the same time. She has informed me that she is REALLY ready for a grandchild lol. Even if they're adopted, which totally made me cry! So talk to someone besides your husband/partner, you have more support than you think. And sometimes it's good not to stress the hubby out so much.

Another song that I love and thought you would too!

Such a beautiful song and so true!!! Brought tears to my eyes.....

First

This is my first post on my blog.  I'm current in day 6 of Aunt Flow.  Can someone tell me why it's called Aunt Flow? I mean seriously, why can't we just call it a menstrual cycle? We always try to come up with cute little names to make things acceptable for society.  CALL IT WHAT IT IS! lol Aunt Flow sounds like that aunt you go visit that has milk and warm cookies ready when you get there, not this mean thing that shuts down your lifestyle once a month! Anywho, currently we are TTC naturally, while we wait for the hubby to quite smoking.  YES I know smoking is bad and that's why he's trying to quit.  Also our Doc told him to do so and usually couples are able to concieve naturally within 2-3 months if quitting! 0_0  Does anyone know of anyone that this worked for?  Also anyone have any tips on quitting the cancer sticks? Our nest step, if that doesn't work, will be Clomid with an I.U.I.  I'm a little nervous about this, but hey anything to see that POSITIVE on the stick and no more Aunt Flow.....although I would like some milk and cookies right now :-)!